Day 328 - House...

 Today we are off to mum and dads house, first time I have been in it since dad passed, not looking forward to it, also going to the lawyers today....

Forgot to mention Davids work gave us a dinner voucher for one of our favourite restaurants...... looking forward to that....

My sisters partner, got rushed to hospital yesterday, appendicitis and a hernia, they are doing surgery for the appendix today and the hernia a bit further down the line.... 

What a few weeks we have had....

Anyway about to head out the door soon.....

Day 327 - Davids Bro.....

Today Davids brother is coming to stay, he is flying up from Wellington, this afternoon, it is there sisters 60th birthday bash on Saturday, I am not going, socialising right now is not good for me....., he is here till Sunday morning, then flying back to Wellington.....

Fuck we had some heavy winds and rain last night, it was horrible.... am sleeping crap anyway without added wind and rain....

Today need to vacuum and mop the floors and thats about it.....

Didn't do my nails yesterday, maybe today :)

Floors vacuumed and mopped.....

Day 326 - Been Fluffing....

 Been fluffing around this morning.....

Photos of the changes in the dining room/sunroom area..... ignore the lamp by the cricut machine that has to go somewhere else.....

And photos of Little Eli....

Oh and one more photo of the Christmas tree, want to get a huge one this year in the sales, as we have massively high ceilings in most of the house.....

Day 325 - What Will Today Bring....

Today not sure of plans, may drop Isaac off, but not sure if his dad will do it, he is down till tomorrow.... he has been a godsend these last couple of weeks....

Hmmmm might make the lemon slices today, operative word being 'might' again lol. Think I will do my nails as well..... might perk me up.......

We have some nearly ready strawberries, now the birds are not eating them - yay......

Back Later :)

Well to keep busy I shifted stuff around and lots of stuff, moved the nail desk back inside and set it up as a nail studio area again...... not sure when I will start but it is all ready to go again, I then moved all my cricut stuff into another area, I was moving desks etc all around, moved the dinning room table back into the sunroom..... I am hot and sweaty but it did kill time :)

Day 324 - Hard...

 Well one week ago approx time 4.45am, dad passed away, I was awake this morning, wishing I had stayed the night... still waiting on the death certificate...

Back to old routine now, David starts back at work, on Thursday afternoon his brother is flying in from Wellington, and staying here as it is sisters 60th birthday lunch (and they are living in a tiny house as there house burnt down back at the beginning of the year and still being repaired.....), he is here till Sunday, on Saturday is the lunch, I am not going, not in the mood to socialise with lots of people.....

Anyway about to go and clean the shower missed the last couple of weeks, and do my weekly Monday jobs....

Well thats all done..... need to go and tie the Mandarin tree so it doesn't flop over and the two little tomato plants.... might do that now....

Day 323 - Isaac Here....

Isaac stayed last night, yesterday was rough for me with him, he was such a good boy, but very chatty, it got to much, but he had a good sleep so that was good, 12 hours in fact.....

Finished the bird netting over the strawberries yesterday...

We have so much lettuce, because I had been away and just not in the mood for cooking and David not going to work, it has got out of control a little. Tonight we are having homemade hamburgers...... Oh and yes I need to weed the gardens thats a job for tomorrow on my to do list......

Gardens have been watered.....

Well gardens didn't need watering, we had rain........ Isaac went home about 10 ish, and then I tried to game, but couldn't concentrate, we went and got a few groceries we needed, and that was about it..... The nights are so hard, this time of the night, I would have been waiting for dad to come online for our video chat, the last few months, we chatted night and mornings..... it fucking sucks.....

Anyway lets see how the morning goes, David is back at work, and I can not remember the last time he didn't ring between, 9am and 12pm its been years, unless he had a doctor appointment.....

Hell I was at the supermarket and saw the bread rolls dad loved, and I got him in his shopping, since he could no longer make bread and burst into tears....

Fuck life.....

Day 322 - Bird Netting Done....

Today we will finish the bird netting, it is on but just need to nail the nails in to the wood, so we can open and close it to weed it.....

No other plans 

This time last week we were at the hospital........

On Friday, need to go to the lawyers... then I am going to visit the home, I am scared it will be the first time since dad left us...

Day 321 - ANGER.....

Yesterday, well more specifically late afternoon, in to the night, I was so angry just at anything...... it was horrible, I think it is a combination of grief and lack of sleep.... lets hope today is better.

The bloody birds are eating my strawberries, today we are putting some bird wire over them the bloody things.... they are not even near ready, the moment they get a little bit of red on them, they are gone ggggrrrrr. 

Today not sure what the plans are..... David is still off work and going back to work Monday.....

The car has now got a WOF, so thats a relief.....

I am dreading Monday, thats when normality begins....

Day 320 - LIFE.....

Today is my uncle's funeral, I am not going.....

Yesterday at 2pm, dad got cremated, we had a celebrity drink, lit a candle and reflected on dad's life....

Chris did this AI of dad, the photo was taken 4 weeks ago, I am sure he would have loved it, if he had seen it.... I can't remember the last time Dad could have move like that....

Though we all knew dad was going to die, 10 days earlier, he was still living alone, with minimal help.... he only took panadol and the odd codeine, till the Friday when he started taking the morphine, he went into hospice Saturday morning, and passed away the early hours of Monday morning, said goodbyes Tuesday, and cremated Wednesday.... it went quite quick, I think we all thought he would have had a few more days, I know its a blessing he went early.... but we were not quite prepared for that......

Todays plans get the car rechecked for a WOF, needed new tyres which were done.... and maybe get groceries......

Day 319.... What will I do Now.....

Yesterday we said our goodbyes....... dad looked good, he would have been happy, we could only see the head and neck as his cancer mass was still leaking fluid and was laying on towels etc..... dad is getting cremated at 2pm today, I will be lighting a candle and reflecting on dad and life......

Chris and Izzy came and stayed the night, they are heading back to Auckland later this morning.... 

Tomorrow I start getting into my new routine of life, not video calling dad everyday, will leave an empty place.... I have been calling him daily for 20 years pretty much and video chatting daily for the the last 5 years, as he got sicker the times he would ring would be anytime between 9am and 12pm, so I would be waiting around for his video chats everyday, cause I know how much he looked forward to them...... 

My uncles funeral is tomorrow in Hamilton, its going to be very small, I am not going, I just can't do it, but my sister and family are going.....

Anyway might be back or later or maybe not....

Day 318 - Well what do I say...... RIP Dad and my Uncle.....

Dad sadly passed away at 4.45am, my sister got a phone-call and they felt he had about 30 minutes to go... so she rushed there, she lived about 10 minutes away, we both went home to try and catch up on some sleep, as they felt he had a few days to go but no he decided to end it alone, well the hospice nurses were there. We arrived about an hour later he was still warm and looked so much at peace..... he is now at the funeral home and we can visit till about 2pm tomorrow, then he will be cremated, he was a simple man and did not want a funeral...... I think Chris and Steph will go and say there goodbyes tomorrow and we will also go again......

Not only that nearly all my aunties and uncles live in Holland, we had 1 set of family here in NZ, my 2 cousins and my auntie and uncle..... My auntie passed away a few years ago, my uncle passed away yesterday within 24 hours of dad..... suddenly and unexpected..... 

Am going through a lot of emotions right now, so not sure if I will post for the next few days or what.....I am exhausted....

Please treasure those loved ones still here.....

Day 317 - This is Not Fun.....

Am heading off soon to Tauranga to spend time with Dad, he had an ok night, they are sedating him, cause the stubborn man still thinks he can walk. My sister said she thinks every now and then Dad knows she is there. I will be there tonight.....

No more to say....

Day 316 - What a Week we Have Had....

Have just come back from visiting dad, last night when my sister was staying there, he fell over twice, he is so weak, but the stubborn bugger decided he could walk, anyway he ended in hospital with a gash to his head..... they have just temporally fixed it, as he will go any day now, they don't want to put any extra pressure on him. They have transferred him to Hospice, where he will stay to the end, my sister is there tonight, and I will stay there tomorrow night, they need one of us there in the weekend at nights, as they are short staffed, a small price to pay. And then play it one day at a time, I am now home......till tomorrow morning. 

Cancer fucking sucks, and it is so hard seeing him like this, he doesn't speak, sometimes I think he knows we are there..... but majority of the time not. We tried to keep him at home as long as we could, but the hospice room is nice and quiet, the staff are amazing and will give him everything he needs to make him as comfortable as possible. Keeping him at home, is now just to dangerous.....The doctor at the hospital was amazing..... they treated him with so much care and dignity.... We all just want him to go to sleep and not wake up anymore, he doesn't need to suffer anymore...