Another Sunny Day - I hope....

 Well it is suppose to be sunny for most of the day, then comes rain for three days apparently.

I have done two things that will hopefully make me feel better, well three things

1)    I have rejoined the gym, just down the road..... I will pick up the key thing on Monday or Tuesday, I will go after dropping Isaac off, it is really close to me.

2)    Today I have put jewellery on.....

3)    I have booked a hair cut for in 10 days time.....

Small baby steps........ goal for gym, is cardio x 2 and weights x 2 a week......

This morning I have watered the gardens, later on will do groceries.....

Well groceries done and actually it has been a nice day, I even did some gaming.... Isaac has been here since 9am ish and is staying the night, he has been a really good kid today, not that he isn't a good kid, most of the time anyway. We were going to have BBQ for dinner, but looks like the rain might dampen that ides....

No Rain Planned Today for a Change....

Today I actually had to water the garden, we are not getting any rain.....

Think Steph is taking Isaac to the Christmas Parade here in Rotorua today, so I will have Eli.....

No other plans.... oh maybe groceries....

Been a Couple of Days.....

This weather is making the weeds grow something chronic.... another day of muggy hot weather, the good news the garden is producing a small amount of tomatoes daily now :).

Grief, why can't some people not understand that grief is very personal, we all grieve differently, there is no right or wrong way.... it has been 26 days since dad goes, I still cry most days, especially at night, with some guilt of the things we couldn't give dad the last 2-3 days he wanted..... I cry he remembers the falls he had and passing away alone in hospice. There were 3 wishes he had, to die at home, not die alone and get cremated, we gave the cremation one....he passed at hospice and my sister and I did not stay the night as he was stable and the nurses felt he would be still around in the morning, but he didn't last the night, there is a lot of guilt right now.... my sister only lived 10 minutes away if that, and when they rang her they said he had maybe 30 minutes, I know I couldn't make it in time, but he passed within 4 minutes of the phone call..... I am also sick of people assuming I should be over it and be back to my normal bitchy self..... don't get me wrong hospice was amazing, and his room looked out to a farm, with sheep, cows and roosters..... now I am balling my eyes out again..... I did my nails last Friday, now they are all ripped off thanks to stress.....

On to good news, my sisters partner is home and recovering well......

Eli is sick, he has runny poo's been to doctor and now we have to keep a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't dehydrate..... if he does next stop is hospital..... Isaac stayed the other night, so that was nice :).

Though I can't see many, we have so many Tui's that are singing all day, that is nice....

Back later at some stage....

Day 336 - Getting Sick of Counting Days.....

Today not sure will be happening, all my Monday jobs are done.... need to pick the strawberries, its not the birds eating them, its bloody worms ggggrrrr. 

Man we had a heavy thunder and hail storm yesterday, it was nice :).

Last night, it hot again that dad has actually gone..... it was probably the worse I have felt since he had gone, I thought grief was suppose to get better as time went on, it is 3 weeks today since dad passed.

Got to spend some time with this little munchkin yesterday, and Isaac, but he didnt want to be in a photo.....

Eli is just over 5 months now.... time is going to fast.

No need to water the garden they are soaking after yesterdays heavy rain....

Getting sick of counting days in my title, so might change it around....

Oh and and my sisters partner is finally getting better, they think when his appendix burst it mixed with some bowel motion, which caused the infection, finally they have found an antibiotic that seems to be working, hopefully he will be home in the next few days....

Day 335 - Back today for now....

 Didn't feel like much blogging the last couple of days, so didn't...

Yesterday we went to dads house with Steph and Chris and they chose some things from the house....

We found this game, my grandparents bought this out on a visit from Holland, prob 55 years ago and we loved it as kids and so did our kids and now Isaac and Eli will get to enjoy it......I was so excited to find this game..... I thought it had got lost over the generations.....

Todays plans, grocery shopping and thats about it for now....

Day 334 - Just Don't Know.....

I am really struggling, I know I need to to do stuff, but am just so unmotivated...... everything sucks...

BIL is back in December to stay for about 8 days, I am dreading it, why.... because he is an alcoholic, though is family don't think so, he drunk every moment of the day he was here and I know he gets drunk at home a lot......  he gets pissed and misses the fucking toilet and the bathroom was disgusting when he left....... and he drinks so fast....... if I am ever more grateful to have two toilets, it is when he is here.

Well it's not raining, so suppose thats a blessing and the garden is still soaked, so no need to water the garden.

Isaac stayed the night, he was so good......

I have a constant headache and am so tired all the time..... yesterday was a horrible day, I couldn't stop thinking of dad....

Kindy drop off soon........

Doesn't help David and I are having major issues......

Day 333 - It Still Feels Weird....

Well it's still raining, so don't need to water the garden, the wet weather is suppose to stop tomorrow yay.....

Steph has an appointment today, so will be picking up Isaac and might keep him here for the night, if he wants to stay :). 

Not sure what else the day will bring, maybe make something with lemons  - yeah prob not, I started playing a new game of animal crossing, might do that as well and thats about it.....

Day 332 - Struggling Today...

I am struggling today...

This wet weather is not helping, the only good thing about it, is I don't need to water the gardens outside.....

Today I am back doing kindy drop offs.....

Not much else happening.... 

Day 331 - I Love Him Dearly But......

I had Isaac last night, I love him dearly but boy can he talk..... lol. 

This morning, I shifted the huge bookshelf into the dinning room, cause mum and dad have 2 amazing cabinets (a china cabinet and a hutch type thing) - I want to fit in the lounge, with the thermal heaters we have limited wall space, but figured it out so they both fit into the lounge now. I have moved the Christmas tree to where the bookshelf was, when it was in the corner, I couldn't see it.....

We were going to hire a truck to pick up the cabinets and now thing we may hire a removal truck to pick up the stuff, as one is full og glass etc and I really don't want them broken, they mean to much to me.... but it wont be for a few weeks :). 

Its been 2 weeks early this morning, that dad passed..... my sisters partner is still in hospital they can't seem to control the infection from his burst appendix which they did surgery on last week. 

Anyway thats it from me, Isaac has been so good helping me with moving the furniture I will now go and play with him :). 

Day 330 - BIL back to Wellington

This morning, well soon Nigel heads back to Wellington, I will wash his sheets etc and get the bed back ready for Isaac. He wanted to stay last night but his bed was being used.....

Dad got this little squishy thing that he used for his hand to help with fluid, and Isaac loves it and carries it with him wherever he goes..... its cute.

Hopefully my sisters partner gets out of hospital today, he had a burst appendix, and still has an infection.....

Todays plans grocery shopping, Animal Crossing and not sure what else might weed the garden beads....

Back later - hopefully

Day 329 - Feeling a bit better.....

This house feels a bit better with things splattered around that belonged to mum and dad.... not much just a few pictures and tapestries that mum made....

David and his brother have gone their sisters birthday lunch, I have Isaac for a few hours...

Day 328 - House...

 Today we are off to mum and dads house, first time I have been in it since dad passed, not looking forward to it, also going to the lawyers today....

Forgot to mention Davids work gave us a dinner voucher for one of our favourite restaurants...... looking forward to that....

My sisters partner, got rushed to hospital yesterday, appendicitis and a hernia, they are doing surgery for the appendix today and the hernia a bit further down the line.... 

What a few weeks we have had....

Anyway about to head out the door soon.....

Lawyer done... collected some stuff from the house, it felt weird being there without dad there....... my sisters partner had his appendix surgery this morning, all went well :)

Feeling exhausted and very emotional.....

Catch you tomorrow...

Day 327 - Davids Bro.....

Today Davids brother is coming to stay, he is flying up from Wellington, this afternoon, it is there sisters 60th birthday bash on Saturday, I am not going, socialising right now is not good for me....., he is here till Sunday morning, then flying back to Wellington.....

Fuck we had some heavy winds and rain last night, it was horrible.... am sleeping crap anyway without added wind and rain....

Today need to vacuum and mop the floors and thats about it.....

Didn't do my nails yesterday, maybe today :)

Floors vacuumed and mopped.....

Day 326 - Been Fluffing....

 Been fluffing around this morning.....

Photos of the changes in the dining room/sunroom area..... ignore the lamp by the cricut machine that has to go somewhere else.....

And photos of Little Eli....

Oh and one more photo of the Christmas tree, want to get a huge one this year in the sales, as we have massively high ceilings in most of the house.....

Day 325 - What Will Today Bring....

Today not sure of plans, may drop Isaac off, but not sure if his dad will do it, he is down till tomorrow.... he has been a godsend these last couple of weeks....

Hmmmm might make the lemon slices today, operative word being 'might' again lol. Think I will do my nails as well..... might perk me up.......

We have some nearly ready strawberries, now the birds are not eating them - yay......

Back Later :)

Well to keep busy I shifted stuff around and lots of stuff, moved the nail desk back inside and set it up as a nail studio area again...... not sure when I will start but it is all ready to go again, I then moved all my cricut stuff into another area, I was moving desks etc all around, moved the dinning room table back into the sunroom..... I am hot and sweaty but it did kill time :)

Day 324 - Hard...

 Well one week ago approx time 4.45am, dad passed away, I was awake this morning, wishing I had stayed the night... still waiting on the death certificate...

Back to old routine now, David starts back at work, on Thursday afternoon his brother is flying in from Wellington, and staying here as it is sisters 60th birthday lunch (and they are living in a tiny house as there house burnt down back at the beginning of the year and still being repaired.....), he is here till Sunday, on Saturday is the lunch, I am not going, not in the mood to socialise with lots of people.....

Anyway about to go and clean the shower missed the last couple of weeks, and do my weekly Monday jobs....

Well thats all done..... need to go and tie the Mandarin tree so it doesn't flop over and the two little tomato plants.... might do that now....

Day 323 - Isaac Here....

Isaac stayed last night, yesterday was rough for me with him, he was such a good boy, but very chatty, it got to much, but he had a good sleep so that was good, 12 hours in fact.....

Finished the bird netting over the strawberries yesterday...

We have so much lettuce, because I had been away and just not in the mood for cooking and David not going to work, it has got out of control a little. Tonight we are having homemade hamburgers...... Oh and yes I need to weed the gardens thats a job for tomorrow on my to do list......

Gardens have been watered.....

Well gardens didn't need watering, we had rain........ Isaac went home about 10 ish, and then I tried to game, but couldn't concentrate, we went and got a few groceries we needed, and that was about it..... The nights are so hard, this time of the night, I would have been waiting for dad to come online for our video chat, the last few months, we chatted night and mornings..... it fucking sucks.....

Anyway lets see how the morning goes, David is back at work, and I can not remember the last time he didn't ring between, 9am and 12pm its been years, unless he had a doctor appointment.....

Hell I was at the supermarket and saw the bread rolls dad loved, and I got him in his shopping, since he could no longer make bread and burst into tears....

Fuck life.....

Day 322 - Bird Netting Done....

Today we will finish the bird netting, it is on but just need to nail the nails in to the wood, so we can open and close it to weed it.....

No other plans 

This time last week we were at the hospital........

On Friday, need to go to the lawyers... then I am going to visit the home, I am scared it will be the first time since dad left us...

Day 321 - ANGER.....

Yesterday, well more specifically late afternoon, in to the night, I was so angry just at anything...... it was horrible, I think it is a combination of grief and lack of sleep.... lets hope today is better.

The bloody birds are eating my strawberries, today we are putting some bird wire over them the bloody things.... they are not even near ready, the moment they get a little bit of red on them, they are gone ggggrrrrr. 

Today not sure what the plans are..... David is still off work and going back to work Monday.....

The car has now got a WOF, so thats a relief.....

I am dreading Monday, thats when normality begins....

Day 320 - LIFE.....

Today is my uncle's funeral, I am not going.....

Yesterday at 2pm, dad got cremated, we had a celebrity drink, lit a candle and reflected on dad's life....

Chris did this AI of dad, the photo was taken 4 weeks ago, I am sure he would have loved it, if he had seen it.... I can't remember the last time Dad could have move like that....

Though we all knew dad was going to die, 10 days earlier, he was still living alone, with minimal help.... he only took panadol and the odd codeine, till the Friday when he started taking the morphine, he went into hospice Saturday morning, and passed away the early hours of Monday morning, said goodbyes Tuesday, and cremated Wednesday.... it went quite quick, I think we all thought he would have had a few more days, I know its a blessing he went early.... but we were not quite prepared for that......

Todays plans get the car rechecked for a WOF, needed new tyres which were done.... and maybe get groceries......

Day 319.... What will I do Now.....

Yesterday we said our goodbyes....... dad looked good, he would have been happy, we could only see the head and neck as his cancer mass was still leaking fluid and was laying on towels etc..... dad is getting cremated at 2pm today, I will be lighting a candle and reflecting on dad and life......

Chris and Izzy came and stayed the night, they are heading back to Auckland later this morning.... 

Tomorrow I start getting into my new routine of life, not video calling dad everyday, will leave an empty place.... I have been calling him daily for 20 years pretty much and video chatting daily for the the last 5 years, as he got sicker the times he would ring would be anytime between 9am and 12pm, so I would be waiting around for his video chats everyday, cause I know how much he looked forward to them...... 

My uncles funeral is tomorrow in Hamilton, its going to be very small, I am not going, I just can't do it, but my sister and family are going.....

Anyway might be back or later or maybe not....

Day 318 - Well what do I say...... RIP Dad and my Uncle.....

Dad sadly passed away at 4.45am, my sister got a phone-call and they felt he had about 30 minutes to go... so she rushed there, she lived about 10 minutes away, we both went home to try and catch up on some sleep, as they felt he had a few days to go but no he decided to end it alone, well the hospice nurses were there. We arrived about an hour later he was still warm and looked so much at peace..... he is now at the funeral home and we can visit till about 2pm tomorrow, then he will be cremated, he was a simple man and did not want a funeral...... I think Chris and Steph will go and say there goodbyes tomorrow and we will also go again......

Not only that nearly all my aunties and uncles live in Holland, we had 1 set of family here in NZ, my 2 cousins and my auntie and uncle..... My auntie passed away a few years ago, my uncle passed away yesterday within 24 hours of dad..... suddenly and unexpected..... 

Am going through a lot of emotions right now, so not sure if I will post for the next few days or what.....I am exhausted....

Please treasure those loved ones still here.....

Day 317 - This is Not Fun.....

Am heading off soon to Tauranga to spend time with Dad, he had an ok night, they are sedating him, cause the stubborn man still thinks he can walk. My sister said she thinks every now and then Dad knows she is there. I will be there tonight.....

No more to say....

Day 316 - What a Week we Have Had....

Have just come back from visiting dad, last night when my sister was staying there, he fell over twice, he is so weak, but the stubborn bugger decided he could walk, anyway he ended in hospital with a gash to his head..... they have just temporally fixed it, as he will go any day now, they don't want to put any extra pressure on him. They have transferred him to Hospice, where he will stay to the end, my sister is there tonight, and I will stay there tomorrow night, they need one of us there in the weekend at nights, as they are short staffed, a small price to pay. And then play it one day at a time, I am now home......till tomorrow morning. 

Cancer fucking sucks, and it is so hard seeing him like this, he doesn't speak, sometimes I think he knows we are there..... but majority of the time not. We tried to keep him at home as long as we could, but the hospice room is nice and quiet, the staff are amazing and will give him everything he needs to make him as comfortable as possible. Keeping him at home, is now just to dangerous.....The doctor at the hospital was amazing..... they treated him with so much care and dignity.... We all just want him to go to sleep and not wake up anymore, he doesn't need to suffer anymore...